I absolutely have. After my first blissful encounter of what trust and self love (in my version also love for all that life brings) feels like through my first own well prepared cacao ceremony for myself, I had a three day long anxiety attack around 2/3 weeks later. Which totally shook me to my core, never having experienced such intensity before and that almost alone in the far northwest of Iceland during a snow storm. And it so had to happen for me to slowly over years realise my anxiety I carrried, which now surfaced and my worries and mental struggles finally got detached from my identity and I could actively move forward in my healing. Plus I discovered myth and meaning in life which led me to where I am today, a calm and centred mom and self employed happy family financial provider through the means of incredibly fun work. And just today before your post, I felt one of these waves of stagnation, of mental pull and fear of not being able to provide rent for next month, of needing to get work done and noticing my distractive behaviour. Alas, here comes another layer, a new chance to alchemise. It’s becoming less intense, less black I guess but there’s always new layers
Thank you for sharing, it's really interesting how a seemingly powerful, beautiful, healing experience can also open a door to so much intensity and instability. It seems counterintuitive!
I'd like to think that touching something healing has the effect of widening our window of tolerance. With that greater capacity, we can feel more, touch into parts of ourself that were previously in shadow.
Yes, always new layers. I often have the image of inner work as a spiral that is constantly unfolding. It's never linear, and we often meet the same issues time and time again. Hopefully with new awareness, compassion, insight.
Oh and dare I say I get excited about it, hence why my passion for your publication and shadow work. The feelings are still tough, the struggle is real but once I learned how to hold myself and discover ways to navigate, there is an element of excitement knowing a rebirth is waiting on the other side
I agree! It's so hard, sometimes impossibly difficult in a way that feels insurmountable. Staying with those feelings and moving through it does lead to a sense of rebirth. The first time I experienced that in a meaningful way, it was incredible, exciting, it made me feel more energized to continue :)
Thank you for your support and kind words, means so much.
I would love to know if techniques I can use to do some shadow work. I think I’m at a stage where I need to explore my shadow side. If I were to ask myself shadow work questions, what should I ask? Would love to hear your thoughts on this. Is Tarot a good tool to use for this?
This is fabulous, both as a warning/disclaimer on what people should know pre-shadow work and also as an explanation of how it actually works on a deep and mythic level. I have consistently gone through phases of depression through my life which I now see as involuntary journeys deep into the shadow realm that inevitably force me to look the shadows in the eyes and make peace with them — and only when I do that do they start to alchemize and change. (Not saying that anyone should ever voluntarily do shadow work while in a depressive state, but contextualizing these phases as alchemical journeys has helped to make the experience more legible for me). Thank you for writing this!
Totally agree - being able to contextualize difficult periods of like through the alchemical lens allows us to approach and understand it in a new way. The symptoms (like depression) then take on a new form, and usually begin to change, which is really fascinating to experience. It shows you just how much we are missing the mythic/imaginal framing in day to day life.
Nigredo had many names yes? the shadow, dark night of the soul, darkness in general, the underworld, descent, the dark twin, Saturnian forces, depression, panicky feelings, the subconscious etc....
In general, it is an encounter with parts of self which initially we have no name for.
As you said - “Being able to titrate the intensity in my body helped me integrate what was happening”- is so important. This would be a most interesting process to explore and discuss!
Eventually nigredo in all its forms becomes less emotional and more a state of intensity, and a learning how to enter into instead of run away from. Nigredo mastery does not mean no more Nigredo but rather how to stand within its dark fire.
Yes, the nigredo and the ways we attempt to understand it bring about those many names and experiences. Although characterized alchemically as the blackening, the loss of energy, a slow down/descent, etc, it can also be felt in other ways. These stages are rarely one-dimensional in practice.
I have a Q&A post releasing soon that speaks more to the process of integrating the body in this kind of work :)
And yes, agree with your words here, fluency and capacity to be with the nigredo, with the shadow contents, rather than running away is key. It helps us meet the experience when it inevitably resurfaces in life once more.
And btw so much of our sociocultural confusion arises from projecting that energy onto others. See what you hate in others, but can’t stop noticing, to see what dark forces attract you to what you apparently hate. You could possibly be seeking integration.
Boy this is spot on. So much of therapy is precisely what you listed near the end here in terms of working with the shadow. Most come to therapy to GET RID OF and not integrate that dark energy. The reasons are fairly straightforward, unless of course you’re operating from within the system.
Great point, yes, many go to therapy to get rid of that energy (I've had that attitude before as well!). Understandably so, it's deeply uncomfortable, disruptive. It's hard to shift the frame towards welcoming it, but when we do, I think we experience deep and meaningful change.
Gosh. I painted a picture of current inner landscape last week, and it features a black sun, so your opening image was quite resonant! The post you have written is v pertinent again. I am struggling with panic (never had panic attacks before) after an experience of feeling overwhelmed by unconscious content. I think the panic is to do with the fear, fear of fear, if you know what I mean, and anxieyt that a door opened at the back of the head that cannot now be closed. It is really difficult work.. My current image is of a person with a v small lantern at the threshold of the dark passage leading down to who-knows-where, thinking the light may not hold. There is a therapeutic container, however, so I am not alone. I have been re-reading your post on casting protective circles. However, if the shadow is to be encountered, it doesn't feel right or even possible to do something that tries to keep it at bay, it has to come through, be experienced, eventually integrated. Holding the panic attacks at bay is currently hard work.
Deryn, that's quite interesting to hear about the black sun. Have you heard of or read Stanton Marlan's book, The Black Sun: The Alchemy and Art of Darkness? It's an exploration of this image and how it comes up in analysis, dreams, alchemy, etc. I highly recommend the book!
A few years ago, when I started doing some really deep inner work, I also had a rise in panic attacks and a lot of nervous system overwhelm. It was really distressing at first. At the same time, when they happened, it would often feel cathartic? I came to learn a lot about these experiences. For me, the emotional intensity was a ton of deep shadow and exiled "parts" that I was making contact with. The more "conscious" I could be during those moments, the more I came to feel a quality of the complex - it was young, frightened, wanted to be heard and cared for.
I was in therapy but the turning point for me, and the containment I had to establish, was all somatic. Being able to titrate the intensity in my body helped me integrate what was happening. This allowed me to not keep the shadow at bay, but rather, have a stronger window of tolerance to be with the experiences as it was happening. That's where the protective circle comes in - it's like a strengthening of the structures of your psyche/body so you can withstand the storm and not crumble under the pressure. For a long time, I was flooded. Somatic and Jungian work together gave me the strong base I needed to move through the most intense parts of that nigredo period.
Thank you Alyssa. As it happens, I am also working on the lost 'little Deryn' in therapy, so what you are saying feels extremely resonant. 'Nervous system overwhelm' is such a good phrase. I really appreciate your willingness to share your own experience in this way.
Re: black sun, no I've never heard of this book, nor was I aware until this post that it was a symbol that crops up. That's also quite reassuring. I will locate a copy - thanks for the recommendation. I'll also look into somatic work and re-read your earlier post that mentioned it.
Glad I can offer some insight and understanding. These experiences are more common than we realize, but it can feel as if we are totally alone when it begins happening.
I'm always giving lots of book recommendations, I hope it's not too much! But one last one I'll toss out there regarding somatic work is Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice. He is the creator of Somatic Experiencing therapy, which I found to be the most beneficial body-oriented intervention. There are also lots of videos and lectures from him on YouTube.
Can never have too many book recommendations! I'm up to chapter three of the Black Sun, happily the University library had an ecopy. I'll check out Levine. I saw his name crop up a lot when I did some google searching for somatic work. Thanks. Re: the feeling at the back of the head, as if the door to the unknown is unlocked in a scary way, I read yesterday that Cristiana Morgan was told to wear a black veil in one of her visions, and she responded that everyone would see it, but no, she had to wear it over the back of the head. I just found that really interesting.
Like the book v much - artwork is amazing, and the way the author takes on Kalsched has been v interesting. Yes, will think more on the black veil. Thanks.
Yes, just a few months ago, in fact. I'd had a few new realizations about a shadow that showed up in certain key aspects of my life. During this time everything felt heavy and dark. Bleak. I had trouble communicating and emotions constantly took over. I didn't have the context at the time to frame this state in alchemical sense, but I now know this clearly was a nigredo stage in which I had some valuable opportunities to learn how to navigate it. During this time I leaned into intuitive guidance, which led me to a place where I was able to rest, reflect and ultimately heal and develop a new relationship with the shadow material. I had a dream few weeks later in which I was gliding along on a path that led through a shimmering lake where everything was bright and I moved effortlessly. It felt like an affirmation that change was happening. I definitely appreciate this topic. Thank you for sharing!
Dropping into intuitive practices for guidance at those times can be really helpful. Often, our dreams are communicating a lot of insight to what is happening. The images, themes, and dynamics can also speak to what may be needed to find a sense of resolution. In addition to dreamwork, I also found a consistent practice of journaling and tarot to be really nourishing.
Your dream seems really heartening, it has an albedo quality to it with the water, sense of fluidity, brightness.
We must, of course, live before we die. But we must die many deaths before we can live fully. Wonderful and timely, for me, post. Needed to be reminded of these mechanisms of the soul work. Thank you so much!
I usually don't do that, but reading your post I was reminded of something I wrote a while ago. Though perhaps could be of interest:
This line really hit me: “Rather than turn away from this act, alchemists counsel us to stay with it, to make things blacker than black.”
I have had a couple of “tower” moments in the last five years, and I felt like I was taken deep into the blackest black. I’m grateful for it now because that death (or many deaths) was essential for my new life to be born.
The Tower is another great archetypal analog for experiences of difficult shadow work and the nigredo. I taught a class that blended tarot and alchemical themes, both the Death and Tower card were ones I chose to illustrate the challenges we meet during those times. I find it really helpful to consider the rebirth element from the Death card as part of what will eventually come through the painful losses. Thanks for sharing!
I absolutely have. After my first blissful encounter of what trust and self love (in my version also love for all that life brings) feels like through my first own well prepared cacao ceremony for myself, I had a three day long anxiety attack around 2/3 weeks later. Which totally shook me to my core, never having experienced such intensity before and that almost alone in the far northwest of Iceland during a snow storm. And it so had to happen for me to slowly over years realise my anxiety I carrried, which now surfaced and my worries and mental struggles finally got detached from my identity and I could actively move forward in my healing. Plus I discovered myth and meaning in life which led me to where I am today, a calm and centred mom and self employed happy family financial provider through the means of incredibly fun work. And just today before your post, I felt one of these waves of stagnation, of mental pull and fear of not being able to provide rent for next month, of needing to get work done and noticing my distractive behaviour. Alas, here comes another layer, a new chance to alchemise. It’s becoming less intense, less black I guess but there’s always new layers
Thank you for sharing, it's really interesting how a seemingly powerful, beautiful, healing experience can also open a door to so much intensity and instability. It seems counterintuitive!
I'd like to think that touching something healing has the effect of widening our window of tolerance. With that greater capacity, we can feel more, touch into parts of ourself that were previously in shadow.
Yes, always new layers. I often have the image of inner work as a spiral that is constantly unfolding. It's never linear, and we often meet the same issues time and time again. Hopefully with new awareness, compassion, insight.
Oh and dare I say I get excited about it, hence why my passion for your publication and shadow work. The feelings are still tough, the struggle is real but once I learned how to hold myself and discover ways to navigate, there is an element of excitement knowing a rebirth is waiting on the other side
I agree! It's so hard, sometimes impossibly difficult in a way that feels insurmountable. Staying with those feelings and moving through it does lead to a sense of rebirth. The first time I experienced that in a meaningful way, it was incredible, exciting, it made me feel more energized to continue :)
Thank you for your support and kind words, means so much.
v grateful to you for sharing this experience of anxiety.
I would love to know if techniques I can use to do some shadow work. I think I’m at a stage where I need to explore my shadow side. If I were to ask myself shadow work questions, what should I ask? Would love to hear your thoughts on this. Is Tarot a good tool to use for this?
Tarot is a great option. You can use prompts like "What aspect of the shadow should I focus on?" or "What is in shadow regarding this situation?"
I also provide some guidance for shadow work in this post: https://alyssapolizzi.substack.com/p/integrating-the-shadow
This is fabulous, both as a warning/disclaimer on what people should know pre-shadow work and also as an explanation of how it actually works on a deep and mythic level. I have consistently gone through phases of depression through my life which I now see as involuntary journeys deep into the shadow realm that inevitably force me to look the shadows in the eyes and make peace with them — and only when I do that do they start to alchemize and change. (Not saying that anyone should ever voluntarily do shadow work while in a depressive state, but contextualizing these phases as alchemical journeys has helped to make the experience more legible for me). Thank you for writing this!
Totally agree - being able to contextualize difficult periods of like through the alchemical lens allows us to approach and understand it in a new way. The symptoms (like depression) then take on a new form, and usually begin to change, which is really fascinating to experience. It shows you just how much we are missing the mythic/imaginal framing in day to day life.
Nigredo had many names yes? the shadow, dark night of the soul, darkness in general, the underworld, descent, the dark twin, Saturnian forces, depression, panicky feelings, the subconscious etc....
In general, it is an encounter with parts of self which initially we have no name for.
As you said - “Being able to titrate the intensity in my body helped me integrate what was happening”- is so important. This would be a most interesting process to explore and discuss!
Eventually nigredo in all its forms becomes less emotional and more a state of intensity, and a learning how to enter into instead of run away from. Nigredo mastery does not mean no more Nigredo but rather how to stand within its dark fire.
Yes, the nigredo and the ways we attempt to understand it bring about those many names and experiences. Although characterized alchemically as the blackening, the loss of energy, a slow down/descent, etc, it can also be felt in other ways. These stages are rarely one-dimensional in practice.
I have a Q&A post releasing soon that speaks more to the process of integrating the body in this kind of work :)
And yes, agree with your words here, fluency and capacity to be with the nigredo, with the shadow contents, rather than running away is key. It helps us meet the experience when it inevitably resurfaces in life once more.
“ I have a Q&A post releasing soon that speaks more to the process of integrating the body in this kind of work “
👆I look forward to this!
And btw so much of our sociocultural confusion arises from projecting that energy onto others. See what you hate in others, but can’t stop noticing, to see what dark forces attract you to what you apparently hate. You could possibly be seeking integration.
A key shadow work inquiry to pose to oneself! Like stepping in front of a mirror and attempting to confront that which we usually do not see or own.
It’s difficult. Sometimes too a patient will show me a less than perfect aspect of myself but it’s a golden opportunity for the relationship.
One of the benefits to being in relationship, seeing our dark side, however painful it may be :)
Boy this is spot on. So much of therapy is precisely what you listed near the end here in terms of working with the shadow. Most come to therapy to GET RID OF and not integrate that dark energy. The reasons are fairly straightforward, unless of course you’re operating from within the system.
Great point, yes, many go to therapy to get rid of that energy (I've had that attitude before as well!). Understandably so, it's deeply uncomfortable, disruptive. It's hard to shift the frame towards welcoming it, but when we do, I think we experience deep and meaningful change.
Gosh. I painted a picture of current inner landscape last week, and it features a black sun, so your opening image was quite resonant! The post you have written is v pertinent again. I am struggling with panic (never had panic attacks before) after an experience of feeling overwhelmed by unconscious content. I think the panic is to do with the fear, fear of fear, if you know what I mean, and anxieyt that a door opened at the back of the head that cannot now be closed. It is really difficult work.. My current image is of a person with a v small lantern at the threshold of the dark passage leading down to who-knows-where, thinking the light may not hold. There is a therapeutic container, however, so I am not alone. I have been re-reading your post on casting protective circles. However, if the shadow is to be encountered, it doesn't feel right or even possible to do something that tries to keep it at bay, it has to come through, be experienced, eventually integrated. Holding the panic attacks at bay is currently hard work.
Deryn, that's quite interesting to hear about the black sun. Have you heard of or read Stanton Marlan's book, The Black Sun: The Alchemy and Art of Darkness? It's an exploration of this image and how it comes up in analysis, dreams, alchemy, etc. I highly recommend the book!
A few years ago, when I started doing some really deep inner work, I also had a rise in panic attacks and a lot of nervous system overwhelm. It was really distressing at first. At the same time, when they happened, it would often feel cathartic? I came to learn a lot about these experiences. For me, the emotional intensity was a ton of deep shadow and exiled "parts" that I was making contact with. The more "conscious" I could be during those moments, the more I came to feel a quality of the complex - it was young, frightened, wanted to be heard and cared for.
I was in therapy but the turning point for me, and the containment I had to establish, was all somatic. Being able to titrate the intensity in my body helped me integrate what was happening. This allowed me to not keep the shadow at bay, but rather, have a stronger window of tolerance to be with the experiences as it was happening. That's where the protective circle comes in - it's like a strengthening of the structures of your psyche/body so you can withstand the storm and not crumble under the pressure. For a long time, I was flooded. Somatic and Jungian work together gave me the strong base I needed to move through the most intense parts of that nigredo period.
Thank you Alyssa. As it happens, I am also working on the lost 'little Deryn' in therapy, so what you are saying feels extremely resonant. 'Nervous system overwhelm' is such a good phrase. I really appreciate your willingness to share your own experience in this way.
Re: black sun, no I've never heard of this book, nor was I aware until this post that it was a symbol that crops up. That's also quite reassuring. I will locate a copy - thanks for the recommendation. I'll also look into somatic work and re-read your earlier post that mentioned it.
Glad I can offer some insight and understanding. These experiences are more common than we realize, but it can feel as if we are totally alone when it begins happening.
I'm always giving lots of book recommendations, I hope it's not too much! But one last one I'll toss out there regarding somatic work is Peter Levine's In an Unspoken Voice. He is the creator of Somatic Experiencing therapy, which I found to be the most beneficial body-oriented intervention. There are also lots of videos and lectures from him on YouTube.
Can never have too many book recommendations! I'm up to chapter three of the Black Sun, happily the University library had an ecopy. I'll check out Levine. I saw his name crop up a lot when I did some google searching for somatic work. Thanks. Re: the feeling at the back of the head, as if the door to the unknown is unlocked in a scary way, I read yesterday that Cristiana Morgan was told to wear a black veil in one of her visions, and she responded that everyone would see it, but no, she had to wear it over the back of the head. I just found that really interesting.
Oh great, how are you liking the book so far?
That’s an interesting image to work with. Maybe trying that out in active imagination can be helpful?
Like the book v much - artwork is amazing, and the way the author takes on Kalsched has been v interesting. Yes, will think more on the black veil. Thanks.
Yes, just a few months ago, in fact. I'd had a few new realizations about a shadow that showed up in certain key aspects of my life. During this time everything felt heavy and dark. Bleak. I had trouble communicating and emotions constantly took over. I didn't have the context at the time to frame this state in alchemical sense, but I now know this clearly was a nigredo stage in which I had some valuable opportunities to learn how to navigate it. During this time I leaned into intuitive guidance, which led me to a place where I was able to rest, reflect and ultimately heal and develop a new relationship with the shadow material. I had a dream few weeks later in which I was gliding along on a path that led through a shimmering lake where everything was bright and I moved effortlessly. It felt like an affirmation that change was happening. I definitely appreciate this topic. Thank you for sharing!
Dropping into intuitive practices for guidance at those times can be really helpful. Often, our dreams are communicating a lot of insight to what is happening. The images, themes, and dynamics can also speak to what may be needed to find a sense of resolution. In addition to dreamwork, I also found a consistent practice of journaling and tarot to be really nourishing.
Your dream seems really heartening, it has an albedo quality to it with the water, sense of fluidity, brightness.
We must, of course, live before we die. But we must die many deaths before we can live fully. Wonderful and timely, for me, post. Needed to be reminded of these mechanisms of the soul work. Thank you so much!
I usually don't do that, but reading your post I was reminded of something I wrote a while ago. Though perhaps could be of interest:
https://stackingstones.substack.com/p/at-your-funeral-you-can-be-yourself
I’m glad I found your publication. ✨
This line really hit me: “Rather than turn away from this act, alchemists counsel us to stay with it, to make things blacker than black.”
I have had a couple of “tower” moments in the last five years, and I felt like I was taken deep into the blackest black. I’m grateful for it now because that death (or many deaths) was essential for my new life to be born.
Welcome, I'm glad you're here :)
The Tower is another great archetypal analog for experiences of difficult shadow work and the nigredo. I taught a class that blended tarot and alchemical themes, both the Death and Tower card were ones I chose to illustrate the challenges we meet during those times. I find it really helpful to consider the rebirth element from the Death card as part of what will eventually come through the painful losses. Thanks for sharing!
You're welcome!